Who or what we are attracted sexually to is superfluous in the bigger picture of who we are as human beings,says Wendy Squires.iStock
After being rightfully reminded of the battles his community has gone through,fighting for equal rights and experiencing stigma and discrimination,my friend pointed out that in his view,more terms should be added to define what floats the sexual boats of others,so no one would feel abnormal or ostracised. What’s more,he believes these terms say a lot about someone. For example,he told me,I amsoooo sapiosexual.
Er,I’m what?
Sapiosexual,I discovered,is a word used to describe those who experience attraction based on intelligence rather than sex or gender.
He had a point. I am most definitely attracted to smart people,especially as long-term partners,as lust and physical attraction can be fleeting while stimulating conversation can intrigue,challenge and enthral indefinitely.
But why the term? Why can’t I just be me? I pointed out that this man has already pigeonholed me as cis (acknowledging that my gender identity corresponds to my assigned gender at birth),heterosexual (sexually attracted to people of the opposite sex) and monosexual – the term used to describe people who experience romantic or sexual attraction to people of one sex or gender. When I protested the rigidity of these terms,my friend corrected himself,adding that he believes I could also call myself “bi-curious” as I refuse to be confined by heterosexuality.
“You know,sometimes I am not interested in sex at all,” I countered,in the hope he would see how ambiguous such terms can be. “It just isn’t that important.” Ah,well,that would make me asexual (little or no sexual attraction or sexual desire) he claimed. “Actually,I’d call you greysexual,” he continued,explaining that I could fall under the categories of demisexual,semisexual,asexual-ish and sexual-ish.
This seems an awful lot of terms for my sex life which,if I had to give it an “umbrella” label,would probably be best described as beige. So I decided to research some of the terms which can fall under the + in LGBTQI+ … and damn,it appears there is a label for everything and anything that entails sexual and romantic orientation,attraction and behaviour these days.
There’s autoromantic/autosexual (romantically or sexually attracted to themselves);cupiosexual (asexuals who don’t experience sexual attraction but still have the desire to engage in sex);skoliosexual (sexually attracted to those with non-cisgender identities);demiromantic/demisexual (romantic or sexual attraction only after building an emotional relationship). There’s the overarching spectrasexual (sexually or romantically attracted to multiple or varied sexes,genders and gender identities,but not necessarily all).
My friend pointed out that more terms should be added to define what floats the sexual boats of others,so no one would feel abnormal or ostracised.
These categories join the many others that they have crept into everyday parlance:pansexual/panromantic (sexual,romantic or emotional attraction to any person,regardless of that person’s gender or sexuality);polysexual (involving sexual or romantic attraction to people with varying genders).
Oh,and there’s the label I naively thought could eliminate the need for all others. That’s “fluid”,to describe a situation where sexuality,sexual attraction and sexual behaviour can change and vary. Yep,my head is spinning,too.
Look,I am not averse to these tags. If they make anyone struggling with their sexuality or identity feel more understood and connected,then that’s great. Bring ’em on!
However,I’d like to be respectfully left out of the sorting progress. I don’t want or need any more labels in my life. I don’t need to reveal my marital status,religion or sexual orientation to anyone. It’s my business and has nothing to do with who I am as a functioning adult in society. I am me. I am unique. And I am constantly evolving.
Which leaves me with my favourite term from my recent research,which is pomosexual,used to refer to people who reject sexuality labels or don’t identify with any of them. I will happily put my hand up to own that one.
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