Renae,a 55-year-old living in Albury,became her family’s safety net in January 2022 after noticing her father’s health deteriorating. Following a few stints in hospital,Renae,who chose not to share her surname to protect her father’s privacy,spent a month with her dad to help organise his house,pay outstanding bills and administer his medications.
Taking care of your parents can feel like a shift in the family dynamic. How can you ensure it goes smoothly?iStock/compiled by Stephen Kiprillis
“I had to deal with it the best I could. I’d have a bit of a cry. I had been trying to help him clear his house since my mum passed away,but I didn’t want to push him on that – he wasn’t particularly motivated,or even ready to have a huge clear-out,” Renae says.
Her father,87,is now living in a nearby care home that she helped arrange. Despite being a relatively “stoic and practical” person,Renae says shifting into a caretaking role can be heartbreaking.
“The challenge was trying to be respectful of Dad’s wants,but also his needs. But his needs didn’t always align with his wants,” she says.
Many adult children walk a similar tightrope as their parents get older. But how can you encourage your ageing parents to get the help they need without undermining the years they looked after you?
Accepting your parent is ageing
Watching your parent age can be confronting because it reminds you of your own mortality,says clinical psychologist Christina Bryant. It can also flip the family dynamic,shifting the child into a quasi-parenting role.
“It’s not quite like parenting our own children because of the history you’ve built up,” Bryant says. “But it’s a reversal of the biological order. Biology flows downhill,so this is,in some ways,a reversal of that flow.”
As jarring as it can be for the adult child,it can be equally,if not more challenging,for the parent.
“They start thinking,‘have I lived more of my life than I have yet to live;have I maybe missed out on some things;will I have time to achieve goals?’ It’s a time of real questioning,” says director of the University of Queensland’s Healthy Ageing Initiative,Nancy Pachana.
Making difficult decisions when it comes to a parent’s health
Seeking useful resources and support as soon as you begin caring for your parent is important,says Dr Amber Mills,policy and research manager at the Australian Association of Gerontology. Not-for-profits like provide free healthy ageing information,and helps guide carers on senior health issues,from falls to mental health.
“Reach out to experts,but also find support for yourself as the carer. Whether that’s respite or just someone to talk to and share the load with. Are there other family members who can step up?” Mills says.
There are many things an adult child may need to consider when caring for their parent. Are they taking the right medications,undergoing necessary surgeries,eating a balanced diet and getting enough exercise? This can quickly become overwhelming,so Lee-Fay Low,a professor in ageing and health at the University of Sydney,suggests developing a routine (such as regular doctors visits) before any kind of health crisis occurs. This can ease the transition and allow your parent to have more say in any decisions.
“I would try to get my parent a good GP and relevant specialists,” Low says. “Geriatricians are particularly helpful in holistic management of health care for older people. I would also offer,and sometimes insist,on going to important medical appointments.”
Navigating a parent’s finances
Depending on your parent’s specific financial situation,Bryant says adult children can generally assist by offering to help with online banking,or by taking them to a physical branch.
If a parent still has decent mental capacity,it’s important they maintain control over their finances. However,Bryant says you can help protect their accounts by encouraging them to strengthen their passwords and to consider removing any landline phones in their home.
“Scammers are often targeting landlines because they know older people are more likely to use them,” Bryant says. “And as a simple rule,you could suggest they never answer unknown calls on their mobile. Make sure significant numbers are in their contact list.”
Ensuring your parent’s safety,without compromising their independence
Removing any trip hazards (like rugs and cables),improving lighting and even installing handrails can make your parent’s home safer,Mills says.
Some older parents may be adamant to continue driving,climbing ladders,or mowing the lawn – all activities that help maintain a sense of independence. Instead of simply telling them to stop,Pachana suggests making it an open discussion or a transaction.
“If I can help you,you can help me – that implies a level of respect and each party is equal. Or frame the conversation differently,like saying,‘How about you relax,and I clean the gutters for you?’”
Adult children can help their parents transition away from driving by helping with things like groceries and banking.istock
As for driving,some states (including NSW and Queensland) require people over 75 to complete a medical assessment with their GP,or undergo driving assessments. If it’s recommended that your parent stop driving,Pachana suggests the University of Queensland’s,which supports older people ease into a driving-free life.
Making your parent’s social life a priority
“People who are socially isolated are at greater risk for physical health concerns and dementia,” Pachana says. “It doesn’t have to be super close relationships – auxiliary relationships are important too.”
This could include things as simple as encouraging your parent to join a birdwatching group,bringing them to a museum or involving them in family gatherings.
Deciding when someone should move into an aged care home can be hugely challenging. Bryant says it’s best if the parent makes their wishes clear while they’re still physically and mentally able. This could include a family meeting,or a written statement that outlines where the parent would prefer to go once they can no longer live in their own home.
If you are the one to broach the subject,your language matters. Bryant suggests avoiding terms like “shift you” or “put you into a home”.
“If it’s possible,make it a shared decision,” she says. “Realise that it’s probably going to be quite a time-intensive process. Try to maximise their choice.”
How to know if you’re overstepping
Boundaries must be respected to ensure your parent maintains their own identity. When Cathy,a 66-year-old in Melbourne,was looking after her father before he died,it was important that she honour his values instead of imposing her own tastes on him.
“An environment that had lots of flowers would not have been his thing. He would have liked his football team jersey,or something like that,” Cathy says,referring to the way her father’s residential care home room was decorated. “Channel what your parents have been like and try to set things up in a way that reflects that.”
It’s also possible to fall into the trap of benevolent ageism,Pachana says. Adult children may mean well,but their decisions could be based on negative stereotypes around ageing like incompetence and vulnerability.
“It doesn’t make the parent feel great,and it brings up their age,” Pachana says. “This could really erode important parent-child relationships.”
Ultimately,you will rarely have complete control over your parent. Whether sharing it with your parent,their health specialists,or other family members,Bryant says it’s important to find common ground.
“Acknowledge there will be challenges,but try to make it a shared journey,” she says. “Humour can also defuse the situation. You could say,‘I know it’s a bit odd me saying this to you after all these years,Dad’. Look for opportunities for things to be a bit lighter.”
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