“We need a word beyond mere treason to describe the wickedness of this latest republican outrage,” fumed Geoffrey Ponsonby,chairman of the subcommittee for correct English usage within the Australian Guild for the Protection of the Monarchy.
A mock-up of what a $5 note featuring King Charles III would look like.Supplied
An outbreak of pearl clutching indicated unanimity of agreement.
“Thank you,” said Ponsonby,casting his approval over the gathering. “The vote is three to nought in favour. His Majesty King Charles III has had his head lopped off by this frightful Labor cabal. His facsimile will not grace the $5 note. His beloved Mummy would be turning in Her Majesty’s grave. We are hereby charged with creating a suitable response. I propose we declare that Anthony Albanese,who as we all know is masquerading as a prime minister,is in fact a neo-Marxist.”
“Oh,very good,Geoffrey,” said retiree Eric “Don’t Call Me Red” Adair.
“But should we really subject ourselves to any further puerile wit of the republicans. I can see them inquiring whether we mean Groucho or Chico and slapping their skinny thighs.”
“Hmm,quite,” said Ponsonby.
“No more pussyfooting,” cried Lady Bellwether-Jones,much roused.
“He’s a communist! It’s obvious. He’s not in the Liberal Party,for one thing. His name. Albanese. He’s probably in that internationalist Club of Rome. We know what that means.”
“Brilliant,” said Ponsonby. “We must begin drafting our media release immediately and pass it on for distribution by the senior organisation.”
It seems absurd – if you were to stretch your fantasies as far as today’s monarchists apparently like to stretch theirs – but so is the reality. Shortly after news broke that the King had lost his places on the fiver,Philip Benwell,national chair of the Australian Monarchist League,came to issue a top quality scorching media release on Thursday under the headline “Albanese Pushes Neo-Communist Credentials”.
The statement revved up by accusing Albanese of “trouncing Australian democracy”,and moved seamlessly to claiming he was planning to spend “potentially millions of taxpayer dollars” this year to promote a republic.
“Now,before a referendum is held on whether the people want to retain the King as sovereign or opt for a President,this government has arbitrarily moved to discard the King’s head from Australia’s five dollar note,” frothed the league,building up to the clincher. “It is virtually neo-communism in action.”
Chinese communism,at that,apparently.
“President Xi could possibly learn a few tricks from our prime minister. It is certainly not Australian democracy and it is certainly not what the people voted for in May 2022.”
We await the league’s considered response to the news that King Charles’s head will soon feature on Australia’s coinage,just as his mother’s was there previously for close on 70 years.
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