What’s it like stepping out from the podcast studio,and seeing your audience live?
When I’m on stage,I feel so privileged to be there,and I remember only too well publishing my first novel and only four people turning up. I know what it’s like for no one to engage or read my work. The second thing is if you come to one of my shows there is a chance you’ve read a book or listened to my podcast. I turn up as myself. You already know me,it’s a safe space for me to be in. I love that sense of community I get when I walk on that stage. I get adrenalised and nervous,but that’s why I can do it and love it. I’m actually an introvert,which sounds deeply ironic,but in these sorts of events I feel like I am having a deep one-on-one with everyone in the room.
You’ve always been so open with your audience – whether through your writing or podcast. What’s that like for you?
I was raised in the 1980s and the early ’90s,and it was a time of great emotional repression – particularly in Northern Ireland,where I was raised and where to speak unguarded thoughts was to endanger yourself. I got used to being around people who kept secrets about themselves and I wanted to do the opposite from early on in my life. I wanted to share,connect and tell stories. It feels natural to me.
Some people have told me it’s amazing that I have shared my fertility story[Day was unable to conceive],and I understand that it does feel a step too far for some who can’t talk openly,but I am only too willing to do that. Communication and connection are how I make sense of the world,and I get that in spades through my work. It helps us feel less alone.
At what point in your life did you accept that you weren’t going to have children?
I went through what I now know is my final round of fertility treatment at the start of 2023 and we[Day and husband Justin Basini] both attached a lot of hope to it. Failure was devastating,but it also gave me an opportunity to reflect on myself,to feel all the feelings and ask myself what I needed next. It was a process of a few months,but I feel really at peace with it now.
I have an incredibly rich and fulfilling life and I am lucky that the work I do brings it meaning. I don’t feel lacking.
Elizabeth Day
I had been struggling to conceive for 12 years and thought my purpose was to be a mother. I realise now that my purpose might not be to be a mother but to speak to that extraordinary community of people who haven’t had their,quote unquote,happy ending and who have sought out less conventional life paths. I have an incredibly rich and fulfilling life and I am lucky that the work I do brings it meaning. I am also lucky to have a great partner in life and plenty of children by way of step-children,godchildren and nieces. I don’t feel lacking but I will always feel sad about it,and that’s okay with me. I can feel sad and also at peace.
It was more a case of me putting myself under pressure to have children,that this was something I had to do in life. It wasn’t so much a case of caring what other people thought of me. I do,however,remember a time when it was assumed I wouldn’t have children because I was so interested in my career. That was hurtful and I always put people right if they ever said that.
You were married once before,in your early 30s. How did you meet your now-husband?
I entered a dysfunctional marriage with the wrong person[Kamal Ahmed],who I met when I was 29. We were together for seven years and married for three. It ended in divorce when I was 35. I never thought I would get divorced;a lot of shame was attached to it for me.
I met my husband,Justin,on the dating app Hinge. On the day we met,I had booked a flight to LA,where I was going to start again. But then I walked into a hotel bar and my life changed. Our connection was immediate. The relationship required building,but I now understand that true love for me is feeling safe,setting a slow burn with a pace you can trust. We married in December 2020,a second marriage for both of us.
Was getting married something you always thought you’d do?
Yes,but I didn’t put enough thought into it the first time around. I had a very conventional and traditional and heteronormative idea of what marriage was. Looking back,half the reason I wanted to do it was because it’s what my parents had done,what my grandparents had done,and what my peers were doing. It seemed the right thing to do.
“True love for me is feeling safe,setting a slow burn with a pace you can trust.”Jenny Smith Photography
Having been divorced once,I thought that I never wanted to get married again. But then I met Justin and changed my mind. I told him,“Sorry,I’ve given it some thought and I do want to get married.” We both really thought about it and had multiple conversations about it. We discussed what it would mean and how important it was to have a partnership of equals. That’s when we decided to have a civil partnership – it’s available for heterosexual couples.
We liked that there was no religion involved,that it wasn’t patriarchal in any way and felt respectful and equal. Yes,we’re married,but we don’t take it for granted any single second of the day. We both came with that attitude and that’s what makes our partnership special. That and the fact we communicate really well because it’s a second marriage for both of us. We have both been battered and bruised and we’ve had to do the self-work and therapy and we have become communicators. I love being married because of that sense of acceptance and safety rather than anything traditional and conventional.
What was your childhood like?
My earliest memories are of Dad[Tom Day] and going on adventures with him. I remember being dragged up mountains and struggling to keep up with the family. I have a sister,Catherine,who is four years older than me. We’d get to the top and have an amazing view and I can hear Dad telling us,“This is why we do it.” At the age of seven,he taught me to climb mountains at a slow but consistent pace.
My father worked as a surgeon in Northern Ireland during a period of civil unrest. He dealt with bombing and kneecapping victims,plus standard day-to-day surgery. I underestimated what that must have done to him until recently. Both my sister and I felt that when he came home,there was an unspoken degree of pressure Dad was still carrying. If ever a phone call came through at home from a nurse at the hospital,it had to be passed on immediately.
How did your parents meet?
My parents think it is so weird that I am interested in how they met,but I love history. They met at university in their first year,at a German society at Cambridge. Mum spoke fluent French but when she was introduced to Dad,she pretended to be German. My father believed her and was taken with her from the off. They fumbled around together for a few years and my father asked her to marry him multiple times. Finally,he wore her down and they got engaged. They recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary with a lunch near the Cambridge chapel where they tied the knot.
,February 26 at Sydney Opera House and February 28 at Hamer Hall,Melbourne.
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