But mostly,if I’m gifting her what I haven’t had,it would be for her to know that she is enough. For her to be confident and certain of her worth,at peace with who she is,complete.
“We all have inherent value because we love and create and laugh and feel the sun on our face.”ISTOCK
I’m not confessing to a chronic self-esteem problem here. Most of the time I’m pretty happy with myself. Sometimes,depending on the hair day,I love myself sick. But this feeling of not being enough has always sat below the surface,dormant,except for when it’s not. Triggered by any situation where the critical voice in me decides I am not as worthy as other people in the room.
Fortunately,at 51,I don’t care what other people think any more (a present all women give themselves at 50,which is lucky because it coincides with when we grow whiskers). But I’m not entirely free of that inner critical voice,and I don’t know that I ever will be. She is the scared part of me who mistakenly thinks that if she holds me back I’ll be safe. And convinces me that I look like the Golden Girls compared to the other women in the room (bubble skirt revisited,you could say).
I have tried to think when this began,because no one is born feeling not enough. Of course there is no one incident,just a blur of life’s influences,from magazines I read to things people said,to that time in year 6 when Lenny Lewis refused to kiss me in kiss chasey,which was entirely his prerogative but maybe the first time I saw myself as unattractive.
If I’m gifting her what I haven’t had,it would be for her to know that she is enough. For her to be confident and certain of her worth,at peace with who she is,complete.
JO STANLEY
They are all moments when I placed my value in another person’s hands,or absorbed notions of worth and interpreted them through the lens of comparison. And decided I wasn’t enough.
I think every person has felt this. It may come and go,be stronger in some than others,but when it happens,it is crippling.
It holds us back from dreams,ambitions,relationships,and disconnects us from our best self. It sits in our bodies as anxiety,fear or shame. I feel it as tension in my chest,queasiness and a completely blank mind – except for the churning over every little thing I say.
Over the years,this sense of not-enoughness has meant I’ve drunk too much,laughed too loud,play-acted fun that internally felt hollow. I’ve flip-flopped from perfectionism to procrastination. People-pleased to the point of almost-burnout. And when I do take a courageous step towards my dreams and goals,the Imposter Syndrome is exhausting. All this while never wearing bathers in public.
It really is the thief of joy,so I want better for my beautiful,sweet daughter. And if things are to be different,I can’t leave it to chance.
My approach,because teens scare easily,is by stealth. First,a subliminal indoctrination of her worth,by encouraging her to take risks. To reach for hard things,new things. To audition,try out,take a class,apply for that job. But only because she wants to,not for my (or anyone else’s) approval. And then we celebrate the trying,not the outcome. Because her value doesn’t sit in success or failure.
Second,I allow her to decide what she loves and find ways for her to do it,even if it’s a thousand miles away from my own interests. Thankfully,her obsession with magic was short-lived. But right now,drumming is her joy,and we – and the neighbours – have to make space for that. Because the only way she can know and love her true self,without influence from others,is by practising the feeling of it activated in her.
And finally,we celebrate difference and love other people’s strengths and successes. No need for comparison. They are they,and you are you. And you are not that critical inner voice.
The true you is that feeling when you frolic in the sea,or bounce on the trampoline like you’re breaking free. You are making art and singing Beyoncé in your bedroom alone. And I’m moving with a beat and reading poetry and watching a changing sky.
We all have inherent value because we love and create and laugh and feel the sun on our face. We are complete,regardless of life’s highs and lows and whoever else is in the room. With or without a bubble skirt. And that is enough.
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