And that’s exactly what I’m doing right now:waiting for inspiration. This invariably results in a desperate dash to the shops on Chrissy Eve,when the only thing left on the shelves is a packet of rectal thermometers.
“Of course,top of a woman’s Christmas wish list is world peace and climate-change reversal … But failing that,boys,you really can’t go wrong with jewellery.”iStock
Clearly I’m not alone. What else could explain some of the presents I’ve received from family over the years? The musical loo-roll holder that played the Beatles’Why Don’t We Do It in the Road? The talking mirror that hollered “Lose weight,heffalump”? The shower gel dispenser in the shape of a nose? (Seriously,it squirted from each nostril.)
Men,take note:a woman’s least favourite gifts are functional. No gal ever wants to be given a stand-up female urinal – a Shewee. Breath freshener and foot deodorant will also go over like Pavarotti doing the pole vault. (As I put my foot in my mouth so often,surely just one or the other would suffice.) And don’t even think about gift-wrapping a domestic appliance. Give a woman a cooking implement for Christmas and you can forget about turkey,because your goose is well and truly cooked.
Even more annoying are offspring who forget to buy a present for mums who’ve sweated over every Yuletide detail,from spraying pine cones silver to stuffing walnuts up tiny birds’ bottoms for the gourmet lunch spectacular. My advice? Neck a bottle of whisky and try to remember that a child is for life,not just for Christmas.
Men,take note:a woman’s least favourite gifts are functional. Give a woman a cooking implement for Christmas and you can forget about turkey,because your goose is well and truly cooked.
No gift at all is infinitely better than a wrong one. A girlfriend once gave me a book on surviving infidelity … while I was happily married. (Or was I?) Another girlfriend was accidentally given a beautiful pen by her husband,only engraved with another woman’s name. (His mistress got the pen meant for his wife,so the writing was clearly on the wall for that doofus.)
Living in environmentally sensitive times,it’s important to recycle. I recycle everything:plastic,husbands,jokes … But recycling gifts? Never. There’s a certain white elephant that’s done the rounds of my family at least three times. And I mean “white elephant” literally:the chipped pachyderm is made of palest porcelain.
My godmother has a gift box which rivals Tutankhamun’s tomb. Each and every Christmas she just throws in the gifts she’s been given and the next year re-wraps them. They are then thrust,willy-nilly,at the nearest rello – which at least explains the whisky decanter she gave me,aged eight.
A survey by UK jewellers Beaverbrooks suggests that many couples struggle to get it right at Christmas,with shoehorns,toilet seats and tin openers among the most despised presents. Nail clippers,windscreen wipers,a mop and a bag of rice also emerged as gifts mistakenly thought suitable for a beloved.
The found that women are most unhappy receiving cleaning equipment from a partner (52 per cent),or cookery lessons (37 per cent). And research company OnePoll found that millions of blokes fall foul of the woman they love by purchasing them clothing a size too small,or underwear that would look more at home on a vajazzled lap dancer.
The same OnePoll survey revealed that men are equally unimpressed with gifts suggesting a need to hone and tone. Some 25 per cent of men hate getting exercise equipment and 35 per cent resent a gym membership. And some 15 per cent of men have ended a relationship with a partner who bought them a terrible gift,no doubt departing with the words,“That’s a wrap.”
In my experience,whatever you’ve so lovingly chosen is bound to be most ungratefully received. “I’m so glad you took me at my word and didn’t go to too much trouble!” they’ll bitch. But surely the most exciting aspect of Christmas is receiving all those presents you can’t wait to exchange.
Of course,top of a woman’s Christmas wish list is world peace and climate-change reversal … But failing that,boys,you really can’t go wrong with jewellery. Alternatively,you could just organise for us to be whisked off to a deserted beach in Bali byBridgerton’s Regé-Jean Page. That really would make all our Christmases come at once.
Still,one thing’s for sure;when it comes to buying the wrong presents,guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.
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