I can do this. Can you,Lizzy? I can look after a small child,take her to day care,feed her,entertain her – during some of the wettest days of the summer. I can operate a television and blackmail. That’s basically parenting 101,right?
I can operate a television and blackmail.Lizzy Hoo
The truth is,I’d only really babysat a couple of times before that. At 40,that is a miracle of life. I’ve held more people’s hair back when they’re drunk than change babies’ nappies. To be fair,I’m one of the youngest in my family,including the extended family,so I don’t have a lot of experience with small humans. I like them. I’m just largely unfamiliar with their work.
Sure,I have a niece and two nephews,but they’ve finished school and we can drink cocktails together,so I guess that’s kind of where I’m at with kids – wait until they’re of legal drinking age until we get to know each other.
It’s Day One as babysitter. Actually,I don’t like the title babysitter – I prefer Cool Rich (working on it) Aunty. You want an ice-cream – I’ve got you,girl. You want some fake hair from the dollar shop – all yours! We can definitely get anything you ask for on our walk down the high street. Well,I’ll walk and you can have a piggyback. I get it,babes,your feet hurt.
Off to the dog park.Lizzy Hoo
The first night we stayed up until 9.30 playing pretend pirates and watchingBluey. She said she didn’t want to go to bed. And I was like,“OK,let’s watch another episode.” I would have watched more but that song,it just burns into your brain … “Mum ... Dad ... Bingo ... Bluey!!!”
Obviously,the next day we were both tired and a little cranky. Nothing a trip to the park couldn’t fix with the promise of a babyccino and a doughnut. Sugar high incoming. And of course,you can wear your best dress … the flower girl one from your own parents’ wedding.
My little mate knew everyone at her regular park including the small dog she accosted,which she started running around. A win-win for the dog’s parents and me. I made small talk with the parents. I asked one of them:“So,any advice?” And he said:“Bribes and screen time.”
We left the park because it was raining and then it rained for the next two days – torrential rain. The kind of rain you wouldn’t want to be pushing a pram in. And driving with a toddler in Dad’s big 4WD just felt too hard so we stayed inside and watched a record number of movies – four in one day.Minions,I’m a big fan.
I was definitely out of my depth.Lizzy Hoo
I was definitely out of my depth,especially when I had gigs at night and had to do a changeover with the babysitter. She’d scream from the bath “Don’t go to work!” I’ve never felt so needed. It made me think,how do single mums/dads do this?
But,by the third night we got into our routine. We were in sync. We were a team. What I’m saying is I realised I could say no. I realised I couldn’t just say yes to everything she wanted. It was hard – I’m a yes girl and I want to be the cool aunty! She wanted another movie marathon and I said:“No,Aunty Lizzy needs to watch the tennis.” And she respected that and made me read her four books before bed.
On our last day I dropped her off at day care. The sun had come out and we spoke to all the dogs while we waited for the tram.
“He likes us!” she’d say if we gave a dog a pat. I signed her in,dropped her off to the right room. We gave each other a hug. She said:“I love you. I’ll miss you.” And that’s when I shed a little tear. OK,a lot of tears. It got me right in the ovaries.
I see why you do it,parents. It’s one little cute moment and you forget the tantrums,the constant questions and the nappies that need to be changed. I was a little pensive on my walk home and missed my little shadow. I was glad I could be there for my friend during this special time. I was also glad to pack up my stuff and get the hell out of there.
Lizzy Hoo is touring her new stand-up showHoo’s That Girl?across the country in 2024
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