When I moved in with my girlfriend (now wife),I bought her a set of Pyrex mixing bowls for Christmas. She was not impressed and,41 years later,the Pyrex bowls story still gets rolled out every Christmas. Is there a way to end this once and for all?
M.G.,North Melbourne,Vic
Simon Letch
Christmas is laden with so many wonderful family traditions. Carol singing,cracker-pulling,eggnog-gulping,gift-giving … and sometimes during the gift-giving,a retelling of that classic Christmas tale,The Ghosts of Shitty Gifts Past. Different people tell different versions of the story,but it usually starts with a mocking chuckle aimed at someone in the room,followed by a sarcastic rant about once getting a set of Pyrex bowls:“Because clearly I’m a ’50s housewife! More tuna-noodle casserole,dearest?” Or in my household,a sarcastic rant about once getting a bicycle pump:“And I didn’t have a bike,did I,Danny? But you had a bike. And you needed a pump. So that worked out great for me,hey,Danny? Hmmm?”
A retelling of The Ghosts of Shitty Gifts Past is a delight for everyone,except the shitty-gift giver,who finds it humiliating and a tad tiresome. Which is why I propose a new Christmas tradition called Shitty Gift Ungiving. Givers of shitty gifts can offer to exchange those gifts for money,taking into account the gift’s replacement value and inflation.
If the financial offer is accepted,the gift recipient must say aloud:“I hereby acknowledge the ungiving of your shitty gift and will never mention it again or humiliate you with mocking chuckles.”
You should try it out this Christmas:it’ll work with Pyrex bowls,bicycle pumps,Hello Kitty car-seat covers,$2-shop mosquito-repellent keyrings,and a pair of Mr Men boxer briefs with Mr Lazy over the crotch.
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