Jes Shields:“I respect his boundary-setting;it’s now a guiding value in our friendship.”Edwina Pickles
Jes: I was initially pegged as an attention-seeker here,partly because of the way I dress. I just see it as being authentically myself:queer,kooky. When I clocked this American queen wearing an equally kooky outfit at a party in October 2018,I thought,“We need to meet.”
We call these outfits – which other people would reserve for fancy-dress parties – “lewks”. They often involve gender non-conforming garments,animal print,bold colours. When we started going to house parties and gay nightclubs together,I wanted us to “twin”,but Jamarr said,“We’re more cousins than sisters” – in other words,his outfit would complement mine,not match it. I thought,“This person follows the beat of his own drum.”
Jamarr is a very honest communicator. I remember the first time he said,“You didn’t meet my expectations today;I’m a little upset.” I thought,“Oh my god,that’s so forward.” I had thisshame. He’d invited me to his house and I’d brought some mutual friends. He pulled me aside and said,“No. When I invite you,it’s to spend quality time – just the two of us.” We call it “QT” now:time for just us to chill,laugh,replenish. I do that with other friends now,too. It’s really improved my relationships.
If you hear what Jamarr’s saying,there’s never any offence. During lockdown,he’d encourage me to go for a walk. I’d try to sneak him up to watch a movie. He’d say,“We’re not allowed” and I’d say,“Come on,we can just nip upstairs!” He’d respond,“You’re not listening. Please don’t pressure me.” I respect his boundary-setting;it’s now a guiding value in our friendship. We use very specific language that doesn’t attack,blame or shame the other.
“I remember the first time he said,‘You didn’t meet my expectations today;I’m a little upset.’ I thought,‘Oh my god,that’s so forward.’ ”
Jes Shields
Last year,Jamarr threw himself a “half birthday” six months out from his actual birthday;he said just surviving half the year was worthy of celebration. I love birthdays,too.
During COVID,he arranged for five friends to come to my flat separately every hour,each dressed in a theme I had to match. It was him saying:“You like chaos?Here’s chaos!”
He was the perfect person to help set up the queer Emerald City Kickball League. I grew up playing kickball[baseball meets dodgeball] in New Orleans and we decided to start it here as a way for the LGBTQI community to reconnect after COVID. Jamarr’s passionate about creating a space for “outsiders”. Each game has an optional fancy-dress theme. We’ve got 360 players Australia-wide now.
We call our friendship group-chat “The House of Darling”;there are 10 of us. It mimics the “houses” of ostracised queer/trans people of colour during Harlem’s 1980s vogue ballroom era. I’m “Zaddy Darling”,the house father;“Jamarr Darling” is the house mother. My family in the US sent me to gay conversion therapy. I now have a chosen family who’ve never questioned my sexuality and have a deeper understanding of me than anyone ever will. They’re my family. Jamarr is my family.
Jamarr: My back was up when I met Jes:I didn’t want to be an American who comes here and just hangs with Americans. I’d heard his name many times:“Wait till you meet Jes!” Sure enough,about two months after I got to Sydney in 2018,into my flat walks this weird balance of preppy,proper and brash. All the energy in the room went to him. I thought,“Who is this dude?”
The next time I saw him was a few weeks later at a gay party. It was all muscle boys without tops and there’s Jes,on the dance floor,dressed as a disco ball. I wanted to attach to that energy.
Jamarr Mills:“He’s an extrovert:I have to ‘switch on’. We balance each other.”Edwina Pickles
Our first big bonding moment was a trip to the zoo. He called saying,“I have this spare ticket to Taronga,leaving in an hour. Wanna come?” I like spontaneity,so I agreed. One hour later,I open my door to find Jes in an animal-print kaftan and leopard-print heels. I was like,“Do I need to change?” He marvelled ateverything at the zoo. I’m more,like,“Yeah,that’s good. Not great,but cute.” He’s an extrovert:I have to “switch on”. We balance each other.
I’m abig birthday person. In 2019,I’d organised my birthday with some new friends in Australia. Jes decides I should say something I love about everyone in the room. I was incredibly uncomfortable;it felt forced and inauthentic. He thought he was facilitating a great moment. I pulled him aside and said,“Hey,can you chill? I’m not having a good birthday. I love you,but I don’t like drunk you. And I think we’ve got a really good shot at friendship.”
“I open my door to find Jes in an animal-print kaftan and leopard-print heels. I was like,‘Do I need to change?’ ”
Jamarr Mills
We’ve had a few upfront conversations. Jes processes and sometimes intellectualises,but he’s mostly grateful:“Thank you for stating your boundary;now I know what to do around that.” He’s a big kid,really;he works hard to get the love back. He’ll read my face if something’s off and back off a bit.
Then there are moments when hereally gets it,like when he pulled me into the Emerald City Kickball committee. I’m black,sometimes “femme”-presenting,often told I’m intimidating. It showed me he’d shifted from caring about me to valuing me. There’s a difference. It’s wonderful when someone says,“Oh,I love you”,but to be respected by someone? That’s even more affirming.
Kickball takes up lots of our time,but Jes and I do it because it’s bigger than us now. I proudly wear a skirt to open day to show people immediately that this is something different:a safe space for self-expression. The sport is secondary to the community;for Jes and I,that’s our north star.
I guess I am mother of the House of Darling. Just like any good mother and father,Jes and I have our disagreements,but it all comes back to nurture,respect and growth. It’s rare in your adult life to find your person,the one who loves you when it’s inconvenient. I respect Jes’s intelligence,sense of wonder – and willingness to take on critical feedback.
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