If there’s one thing my generation likes to do,it’s blame interplanetary forces for our problems. Sorry to be blunt,I’m a Scorpio. Astrology has become increasingly popular amongst under-35s. It’s yet another thing the mainstream has appropriated from LGBTQIA+ culture. If we could construct a reality show where RuPaul reads Nick Jonas’ tarot cards,then we’re onto a winner.
In my life as a queer comedian in the inner city,the astrology girlies are my people. So many brunches have been cancelled at the last minute because Mercury was in retrograde. Did Mercury also make you very rude,Denise? We’re not mucked up;our star charts are just drawn that way. But there’s one planet that looms large in the millennial mind,and that planet is everybody’s favourite hula-hooping gas giant:Saturn. And Saturn,like Kylie Minogue,has returned.
On her 33rd birthday,British movie star Emma Watson with changing her life. She said Saturn bought her a dog (yay),cut off her fingernail (what),and got her interested in golf (boo). But it’s not just Hermione who gets a Saturn Return;we each get to Bertie Bott every flavour of bean (I have not read the books. Did that joke make sense?).
For those of you not chronically online,forced to scroll the internet everyday like a digital Sisyphus,a Saturn Return marks a moment of change in a person’s life. It’s an astrological event unique to each person,marking Saturn’s return to the same position in its solar cycle as when you were born. It’s like whenever Toadie comes back toNeighbours,but for the sky. A Saturn Return occurs between the ages of 27 and 30,and lasts about two years once it hits (maths is hard). You’ll get one approximately every 29.5 years you’re alive,whereas there is only one Toadie Rebecchi for each human lifetime.
Megan Fox,Shailene Woodley and Katy Perry are among the celebrities calling out Saturn for buggering up their years. Adele even got a tattoo of Saturn on her arm to commemorate the planet rocking her world. It’s a bold move to get the thing that threw your life into chaos tattooed on your arm. If it were me,my tattoo would be a DVD box set ofSuccession and a block of Caramilk Marble.
Katy Perry has also credited Saturn for helping her.Getty
Celebrities are just beautiful,talented versions of us awful,normal people. So surely,we must all be experiencing the same Saturn Returns? No. We are not. And it’s not just because they can afford a house while I have to be careful not to leave hot mugs of coffee on the “good IKEA”.
While it’s true that celebrities are human (except for Alexander Skarsgard,who is a glorious marble statue come to life and we must all pay our respects to him),they are humans cursed with the hideous reality of being perceived. They have gossip pundits scrutinising their every move,endless articles written about them (like this one lol),and bizarre fancam footage dedicated to the time they got a McNugget Meal.
Celebrities can afford things that you and I could not imagine. Beloved weirdo Nicolas Cage bought a $267K dinosaur skull. Just to have it. I can’t even afford macadamias. But the one thing celebrities can’t afford is change.
Many famous people,especially those forced into the spotlight at a young age,do not get to change. Not when you become a brand that can be bought and sold. Their industries freeze them in carbonite into a state of arrested development. There’s no room for movement. And if you really want to change,you have to fight against the confides of the gilded cage built for you.
Just look at Britney Spears. When she wanted to take her life in a new direction,we punished her for it. And the harder we tried to keep her frozen in stasis,the harder she broke against the cage. Saturn wasn’t the destructive force in her universe,it was us. If you look at the artists taken from us as part of the 27 Club,there is a similar pattern. Saturn is the god of time and liberation. It wasn’t Saturn controlling their lives,and we owe these people a huge apology.
I am now 29.5 years old. Smack bang in the middle of a Saturn Return. Has this big ball in the sky affected my life? Let’s look at the evidence.
Yes,it’s true my life has changed in the 29.5 years since I was born. Then,29 years ago,I had a completely different set of priorities. I was entirely occupied with learning to walk and shitting myself. Upon reflection,I was self-absorbed and smelly. I now go to work,have a family,and I eat all the solid foods I want. Am I still self-absorbed and smelly? If I’m being honest,yeah. But to think that Saturn is marching my smelly bot-bot through this life is frankly a bit silly.
Nothing,out of this world or otherwise,is making us change. The harsh reality of making it through another 29.5 years on Earth is that you must change in order to survive. People are really just very complicated trees. If we want to stay alive and stand tall,we have to adapt our roots to the new climate. Sometimes that means you’ll flourish in the rich soil,other times you’ve gotta push through concrete and ruin a suburban rail link to stay alive. Life is going to present you with new challenges. It’s going to suck. And I am so grateful for this change.
As I approach 30,I’ve experienced the acute,joyous heartbreak that comes from taking on a caretaker role in the lives of those I love. It’s a moment we can all relate to,where we become our parents,our guardians,our heroes,our role models. It’s not easy. But every moment that sucks is a moment that I’m here.
In another 29.5 years when I’m 59 and the Earth has been overthrown by sentient AI,maybe I’ll have changed my mind on all of this. And I’ll be very grateful for that moment. Well,I will be,when I have the time to stop and reflect between fighting ChatGPT cyborgs.
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