Relationship anxiety isn’t officially recognised as a disorder or a symptom of a mental health condition,and there’s been little research on the subject.
Relationship anxiety is the persistent fear of being rejected by your partner.iStock
Some of my patients,though,suffer from it. Relationship anxiety affects their mental health and causes them to struggle with building healthy connections.
It can,however,be reduced with therapy,emotional work and constructive support from partners.
An excessive fear of rejection
Relationship anxiety is the persistent,pervasive and excessive fear of rejection or unexpected abandonment in a relationship,even when it has historically been stable and loving,according to research by psychologists Rainer Romero-Canyas and Geraldine Downey.
Ironically,this anxiety can lead to problems that may jeopardise the relationship. It’s a classic case of “I create what I fear”.
So why do some people develop relationship anxiety while others feel secure in their partnerships?
One explanation relates to attachment style. During a critical period in our lives – the first two years – when we develop attachments,separation from a primary caregiver could negatively affect our emotional and social development and lead to attachment and anxiety issues,psychologist John Bowlby’s work showed.
Many researchers have studied this theory to understand what this anxiety looks like in relationships. Psychologist Mary Ainsworth noticed patterns in children that are associated with their “attachment styles”.
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The secure attachment style is the healthiest and results from a child having a predictable,warm and consistent primary caregiver who attends to their physical and emotional needs. Another attachment style,however,is known as anxious ambivalent attachment. A child with this style of attachment has an inconsistent primary caregiver who vacillates between warmth and distance,and behaves unpredictably. The child feels insecure and often struggles to determine when and how they will get affection and warmth from their caregiver.
Many children with anxious ambivalent attachment grow up to be needy or clingy adults with a fear of rejection and abandonment,and low self-confidence and self-esteem. They tend to project those early childhood experiences onto their partners and require them to fulfil the needs that were not met by primary caregivers.
The signs of relationship anxiety
These are some signs of relationship anxiety:
Relationship anxiety can be crippling
It’s normal to experience anxiety in high-stress situations in a relationship such as when one partner wants to move to a town three hours away from family and friends.
When someone has relationship anxiety,though,the primary stressor is a fear of abandonment,even when there is no pressing evidence that the relationship is headed toward Splitsville.
Relationship anxiety and the fear of abandonment underlying it can be crippling. Those who struggle with it desire closeness,but their symptoms tend to push away others,who see them as needy and draining.
Many times,they have insight into their behaviour. They can typically admit,“I know I’m a lot” or “I know you get tired of me being so needy”.
They,however,seem to have little to no ability to stop their behaviour. The longer they go without reassurance,the more desperate they become for a shot of assurance.
How to heal relationship anxiety
Healing from relationship anxiety is tough,but it can happen with effort. Here are some steps to explore:
Advice for partners
Being the partner of someone with relationship anxiety can be draining. The constant requests to make your partner feel secure can be daunting and suffocating. You may be subjected to crying spells and angry outbursts related to your partner’s fear of abandonment.
Many well-meaning people think if they stop feeding their partner’s need for assurance,the partner will stop asking for it. Withholding emotions and affection does the opposite. It diminishes the other person’s self-confidence,which was low to start,and is often received as mean and uncaring. It also puts you in the role of the unpredictable caregiver.
Do support your partner in getting therapy and trying other ways of managing their fear of abandonment and anxiety. This may feel uncomfortable at first,but it’s the healthiest move.
Washington Post
La Keita D. Carter,PhD,is a clinical psychologist specialising in relationships,intimacy,sexual health and wellness,trauma and women’s issues.
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