So,we asked psychologists how to reframe a lonely summer break.
“Try being kinder to yourself – sometimes it’s a matter of going,‘It’s OK,this will pass.’”Getty Images
Know it’s normal
More than are worried about feeling lonely and Carly Dober,principal psychologist at Enriching Lives Psychology,says it’s reassuring to know that many people are in the same boat.
“It can be really difficult for people,even if they’ve spent many Januarys alone,and are still not used to it,” she says. “You really have to plan effectively and use your time well.”
With city suburbs often clearing out,Dober says it can be a time for a different kind of appreciation of where you live.
“Can you think of ways to celebrate having the walking track or café to yourself?” she asks. “Do you enjoy listening to the sounds of the birds more when there isn’t as much traffic around?”
Dr Jo Mitchell,psychologist from The Mind Room,says it’s also a time for gentle self-talk. “Try being kinder to yourself – sometimes it’s a matter of going,‘It’s OK,this will pass’,” she says. “Social media can also make it hard because we compare ourselves,so maybe get off social media. Everyone’s putting out these cheerful stories of holidays and celebrations,and it’s really easy to think that’s what everybody’s experience is like,when really it’s not.”
Look for connection
Dober says that curbing loneliness requires a two-pronged approach – we need a combination of direct and indirect social connection.
“Indirect might be the hellos and pleasantries you swap with people at the dog park – direct quality social contact is hanging out with a friend or family member and having a good chat,” she says.
Could you start researching a boxing class,book club or volunteering opportunity to get involved with this year? “This could be a chance to do exactly what you have wanted for a while,” Dober says. “If we focus on what we’re missing out on,we don’t always focus on what we could gain or experience that could be positive during a time like this.”
Persist with invites
One decline of an invitation to hang out can be enough to make us write off all potential holiday season socialising,but Dober urges us to be resilient.
“Put yourself out there more than once. Anticipate that many people might be busy and that it’s not a personal thing[if they decline],” she says. “Can you meet up with a family member and their kids for a picnic together or join a friend’s holiday for a night or two?”
Justine Martin,who is single and in her 50s,learnt long ago that if she wants a fulfilling January,she’ll have to take matters into her own hands. “I spend a lot of time at home alone – I used to hate it and allowed it to consume me and plummet my mood,” she says. “Having cancer was a wake-up call[when I] realised how short a life we actually have. I made a conscious decision to live each day the way I want to live,whether I’m surrounded by a lot of people or I’m by myself.”
With her extended family away in January,she works on art projects and gardening,or goes to the movies alone. She’s also taken to inviting all of her Facebook community over for “bring a plate” dinner parties,unfazed by how many people RSVP.
“We’ve had pot-luck,Asian and Mexican themes. We normally get about 20 or 25 people,” she says.
As for fears of rejection,Martin isn’t bothered,reminding herself that there are plenty of other people craving community connection.
“What if you actually help someone,and it helps you?” she asks.
Plan for next January
It takes time to build deep relationships,and if this January hasn’t been as enjoyable as you’d have liked,Mitchell suggests thinking about planting some social seeds now for next year.
“It takes more than 200 hours to form a[close] friendship,so we’ll often talk to clients about how you need to put the hours in. You need little bridging conversations that at least begin to connect you to people – it’s going to take time and experiences together to turn it into that next level,” she says.
“Treat this as a cue to look after your future self and look for the ways you can connect,even if you can’t right now.”
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