In popular culture and literature,the figure of the mistress has been long maligned. We know her as the side chick,the “other woman”,the homewrecker. She’s either represented as young,conniving and gold-digging,or as sad,lonely and pathetic. There are very few instances of mistress representation that attempt to see things from the mistresses’ point of view.
Madeleine Gray,author of Green Dot.Zan Wimberley
If two people are in a monogamous relationship,the deal is that they don’t cheat on each other. If someone in that couple does cheat,that’s bad – no one is suggesting otherwise.
But why is it that whenever a man cheats on his female partner with another female – even if that other female is otherwise unattached – the ire is so often directed solely at her? A woman sleeping with another man’s wife does not pass the Bechdel test,but neither does blaming the other woman for a man’s weak behaviour.
This year,however,it does seem like things might be looking up for the other woman. From Kerry taking centre stage in the front row at Logan Roy’s funeral onSuccession,to Monica Lewinsky’s continued vindication (her work as an advocate for victims of cyberbullying is remarkable,as is her social media presence),a slightly more nuanced examination of adultery and power dynamics is occurring.
I’m interested in the figure of the mistress because,to me,she signifies the apex of lovelorn pathos:she is hope personified.
Yes,there are some mistresses who truly are just in it for the money or the sex,but for many women,the role of mistress was never one they intended to play. Sometimes we fall for people who are already partnered. They make us promises,and we believe them. We wait. We hope that if we stick it out,we will eventually get the love we crave. We play the long game. Sometimes,it all works out. But,more often than not,it doesn’t.
“For many women,the role of mistress was never one they intended to play.”
In my debut novel,Green Dot,I write from the perspective of 24-year-old Hera. She’s queer,smart and in love with a married man. She’s morally grey,perhaps,but to my mind at least she’s not a bad person.
One thing I was eager to explore in my book is the misconception that being a mistress is glamorous. As Hera learns,playing the other woman is mostly not fun. It’s waiting in hotel rooms. It’s not introducing your partner to your friends. It’s understanding that your needs will always come second – or really,third.
The position of the other woman is an extremely demoralising one,and it’s strange to me that as a society,we don’t extend empathy those who occupy it. We have all wanted something we can’t have. We have all desired something that has no promise of return on investment.
Complicating the classic heterosexual affair dynamic is that,in many recent novels written by young woman,including my own,a young,female,queer protagonist falls into an affair with older,married man. ThinkConversations with Friendsby Sally Rooney,Naoise Dolan’sExciting Times and Lillian Fishman’sActs of Service. This is especially curious because,surely,if you had the option of not dating men,you would take it.
“We have all wanted something we can’t have. We have all desired something that has no promise of return on investment.”
So,what is it about the allure of the normative,older,married guy? It might have something to do with what Asa Seresin has labelled “heteropessimism”,which involves existing in a state of disappointment with what heterosexuality offers,but feeling a drive to pursue it nevertheless.
“Heteropessimism reveals something about the way we can remain secretly attached to the continuity of the very things we (sincerely) decry as toxic,boring,broken,” says Seresin. In essence,we want things that we know will likely hurt us because this way,when they do hurt us,we won’t be surprised.
The above is just one possible explanation though – people get into affairs for all different reasons. But it’s time we stop with the knee-jerk disgust toward adultery and so-called mistresses. It’s time we consider what else might be going on.
Why do women put their lives on hold for boring old men? What does this say about the society we live in,about indexes of desirability,about the accumulation of social capital in heterosexual romantic partnerships? How do our politics tessellate,or not,with who want to be with? And,most importantly,does Charles still wish he was Camilla’s tampon – or is that no longer a
thing?
Madeleine Gray is the author ofGreen Dot (Allen&Unwin) available now.
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