Last year,a global agreement was reached to reduce deforestation and methane emissions. Does this mean an end,finally,to tree-chomping,flatulence-fixated,celebrity-authored children’s books?
D.F.,East Kurrajong,NSW
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A: As a non-celebrity author of children’s books,I too am appalled by this glut of celebrity-penned,fart-themed bestselling kids’ books. Mostly because they’re deforesting all the planet’s lush,verdant forests that my books should be deforesting,and polluting our cultural atmosphere with vulgar,unearned fart jokes that I should be unearning vulgarly. We non-celeb kids’-book authors just can’t compete;we don’t have the public profile or media savvy that celebrities have. I once did a bookstore appearance and only two kids showed up,both my own. And neither bought my book even though I actually gave them the money.
So you’re right:we must act IMMEDIATELY to ban celebrity farty kids’ books. It’s the only way to save this planet,save our children and save the careers of bitter,struggling,non-celeb authors like me. Instead,I propose that bookstores stock nothing but educational,eco-conscious kids’ books,like the one I’ve just written,inspired by your question. It’s calledThis Book Was Once a Beautiful Tree and it goes like this:“This book was once a beautiful tree/ It lived in the forest and grew happily/ Standing so high with its daddy and mummy/ Then a man with an axe chopped it right in the tummy/ Whacked it and thwacked it and lopped off its head/ Hit it and split it until it was dead/ Drove it away on a truck,and then,gulp!/ Mashed up its body into a flat pulp/ Tattooed its skin with black ink,and look!/ Wow,that dead tree’s the book that you’re holding right now.” Now,that’s a bestseller.
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