But Carrol says demisexuality is different from the sort of normative progression most experience “because demis just feel nothing without that emotional bond. Like no sexual attraction at all.”
Speaking of... what about sex?
Elle Rose,28,a demisexual writer and artist from Indiana agrees with Carrol and says demisexuality doesn’t mean someone doesn’t like sex,or doesn’t have it. It isn’t abstinence or celibacy either,though people who identify as demisexual might be abstinent or celibate.
“Demisexuality isn’t not being able to get laid,” says Rose. “It isn’t even hating sex or slut-shaming – if sex makes you happy and it’s consensual,go for it.”
“The main difference between us and people who just don’t really get attracted to someone until they know them is the very important distinction that we can’t. It’s a very small,simple difference,but also very important.”
Yetso,30
Rose says the sexuality is a lot harder to label because you’re asking people to learn about asexuality,“which many already don’t think is real,and then you’re asking them to delve into this experience and spectrum they already have trouble believing exists.”
She says her community’s stories,including asexual,demisexual and graysexual (people who experience limited or rare sexual attraction,which Rose also identifies with),are rarely told in a culture that’s oversaturated in sexual content and love stories that feature the pursuit of sex. And when they are mentioned,it’s often a joke or poorly explained.
“So,you have this pervasive idea that everyone is demisexual,a misunderstanding of the basics of asexuality,” says Rose.
Which brings us back to asexuality being a spectrum.
Dr Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli,independent researcher at Deakin University and founding member of the Australian GLBTIQ Multicultural Council Inc. (AGMC) says labels such as asexual and demisexual are useful in helping people understand who they are and communicate that to others.
“The only problem with labels is that people should never feel stuck in a label or feel like that labels never change,and they can’t change,” says Pallotta-Chiarolli. “It’s about an opportunity to provide a name[and] provide a word for things that we are feeling.”
Yetso,30,(who does not wish to disclose his full name for privacy reasons) is a demisexual who says to him,it’s the inability to have any sexual attraction without a deep connection with the other party,which can vary from needing “the right vibe with someone to needing a very deep-seated emotional connection spanning over a long,long period of time”.
“The main difference between us and people who just don’t really get attracted to someone until they know them is the very important distinction that we can’t. It’s a very small,simple difference,but also very important,” he says.
Because as Kennedy-Cuomo claimed,sexuality can be fluid.
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