Kris Kneen’sFat Girl Dancing is a series of attempts by the author to really see themself. Living in a fat body means being confronted daily with social expectation and judgment,and Kneen details these violences. There’s the sidelong glances at meals chosen when eating in public,and the assumptions medical professionals make based on body size and shape. There’s the permission so many people still feel to make fun of fatness and of fat people,who Kneen suggests are “one of the last bastions of discrimination”:the butt of jokes,the target of bullying and public ridicule.
This narrative about fatness and these assumptions about bigger bodies add up to what North American writer Lindy West described as an “Alp of shame that crushes every fat person every day of their lives”. This is what Kneen is writingFat Girl Dancing in the face of – and it’s a lot to see over.
A connected and positive sense of embodiment can feel near impossible for folks in bigger bodies,but Kneen tries anyway. Their dedication to throwing themself into a pursuit is commendable,and the crushing disappointment of that pursuit not being a good fit feels familiar – the world,with all its access barriers and judgments,doesn’t change under the force of enthusiasm.
Kneen swims naked in Tasmania,and is kidnapped as a “dugong princess” in Vanuatu. They try diving,complete with a custom wetsuit,and battle their natural buoyancy. They’re kitted out and determined to hike the Three Capes Track,but their quiet relief is palpable when COVID hits and they’re kept within state lines.
The body isn’t something they can simply step into and accept. In this,Kneen’s attitude reflects a larger view of body acceptance or neutrality that demands exceptionalism. Self-acceptance and body neutrality are good things,great things,that other people deserve. However,to want it for ourselves we must be exceptional. We will love ourselves when we have earned it.
Through it all,Kneen – not only a writer but also a longtime visual artist – draws themself. The book is punctuated with illustrations,first from a photo shoot of their abstracted fat body,and then with Kneen’s self-portrait sketches. This embodiment project has its own challenges – those of material,scale and perspective. It demands a clear view to see beyond expectation and bias to what’s really there.