Well,as someone who has,and still does at various times, let me be your tour guide to running in the modern age.
If you’re a man under 50,it’s time to spend hundreds of dollars on gear and get running.iStock
To start with,you will need:a pair of running shoes you spend way too much money on,a smartwatch with loads of apps to distract you from the head noise that comes while running,several pairs of running shorts and singlets,a hat,some polarised sunglasses that,I think,are meant to keep bugs out of your eyes (even though in all my years of running I’ve never had any issue with running so fast that bugs splatter on my face),and a Strava account – because the only way anyone can build a habit these days is if it’s morphed into a form of social media where you can get a serotonin hit every time someone interacts with a drip of content I’ve twisted out of the soaking wet rag that is my life.
After you’ve got all the external requirements sorted,. To make it out of the house,you’ll need to find your motivation. Perhaps it’s a break-up,or maybe you were a high achiever in school and have found yourself floundering in a world where the sense of worth you used to get from teachers hasn’t translated to the grown-up world. Maybe you have an addictive personality and are inching towards 30 (or 40,or 50) and have realised it’s time to put all that passion and intensity towards something that doesn’t involve going to raves.
Whatever it is that’s causing a sense of unease inside you,whatever it is you are running from or toward,identify it. That way,when people inevitably ask you why you’ve started running,you can pretend that’snot the reason and have a generic pre-prepared answer at the ready.
People will ask you why you’ve taken up running not because they’re genuinely interested,but because it’s the generic follow-up question everyone asks after someone announces (without having been asked) they now self-identify as a runner.
Next,you want to start watching running content online. All it takes is a couple of videos for your algorithm to become railroaded. Gorge on the endless feedback loop that will trap you so that every time you open your phone,you’re confronted with either the burning motivation to get up and run or the crushing sense that you’re a lazy piece of shit,of which one possible antidote is to muster the aforementioned motivation to run;all roads lead to Rome.
If all else fails,watch a montage of David Goggins’ videos. His raspy voice and slightly threatening motivations will plant all the seeds of self-loathing you need to make you believe that you really do need to change.
Now the easy part:the running itself. What you want to do is find somewhere quiet,with very low foot traffic. The last thing you want when you’re starting out is to hit a well-known track and have your confidence shattered by an aspiring Olympian sprinting at an unfathomable pace or,worse yet,being passed by someone you can’t quite believe is passing you with ease. And if you start counting down the distance still left to go in your head,it’s game over. Sorry.
Once you’ve found your spot,have all your overpriced gear on,done all the introspection needed and told your co-workers,friends,family and loose acquaintances that you’re a runner now,you can finally get down to the act of,well,running.
See,this is fun right? Easy,huh? Great work,you got this! OK,just slow down a bit. The first few hundred metres feel easy,but don’t fall for that trap. Seriously,stop,this is not sustainable. Go so slow that you’re bored by the very idea of moving your body. The pace where you begin to wonder who decided putting one foot in front of the other for an indeterminate amount of time while lightly sweating was the height of human achievement is the sweet spot. This is the pace you should go at. This is sustainable. What’s that? You want to stop already? But we only just started you literal piece of garbage!
If you find yourself gradually learning to love the process,congratulations – you’re doing it right. If you find yourself still hating it,months into your new hobby,congratulations – you’re also doing it right. No one else needs to know that. Just smile for the camera,would you?
Brandon Jack is a freelance writer and former AFL player.
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