While my stepfather got away relatively unscathed,I was undeniably horrid to my stepmother. I was rude and I was mean.
InThe Parent Trap,twins Hallie and Annie terrorise their father’s new love interest,Meredith Blake. They do this because she is awful but also because they want to get their parents back together. I didn’t want to get my parents back together:even then,I could see that that would be a terrible idea. But I did want to perform the stepmother-hating tropes so perfectly exemplified in the film. What’s funny is that I didn’t actually recreate any of Annie and Hallie’s schemes. I wasn’t that evil. I just told my friends at school that I did. I lied. I wanted to impress upon them that I was a subjugated stepchild hell-bent on exacting revenge. I knew that I was supposed to hate my stepmum:this is what popular culture taught me I should feel.
The thing is,my stepmum was doing her absolute best. She came into our family in the aftermath of a very messy divorce,and she tried to balance being both a friend and a parental figure to me and my sister. She didn’t ever try to be our mum,but she did all the things that mums do. She got none of the credit for that. It’s a bloody hard job. She played the long game. She is now one of my best friends.
Life has a way of restoring karmic balance. Life has a way of making us face our imperfect past deeds. Life has a way of making us learn from them. This year,I became a step-parental figure to a three-year-old child. The child is my partner’s. We live together. My partner and her ex (also a woman) share split custody. I spend half my time living with a three-year-old. I am not his mum. He already has two mums who love him very much.
So I’m working out what I can be to him. I can love him – and I do. I can play with him – and I do. I can do bath time and I can wipe his nose and I can get him dressed and I can do a witch voice for hours at a time.
I knew I was supposed to hate my stepmum. This is what popular culture taught me.
But,apart from telling him “no” when he demands lollies,it is not really my place to make rules for him. It is not my place to decide when his bedtime is,or how many episodes ofPaw Patrol is acceptable,or when swimming lessons begin. I am only just beginning to realise the enormity of what my stepmum must have experienced.
I think and hope that in time I’ll feel less anxiety about overstepping my position because I don’t want my partner to feel like she’s still single-parenting. I want to do this with her. It is,however,a delicate balance.
My relationship with my partner’s child is getting stronger. We are getting to know one another. Kids are trepidatious around change,and they are protective of their parents. I certainly was. And I know,from being the kid in this situation,that trust is not something you just get:it has to be earned. I’m trying to earn it. I’m also hoping that the age-old hostility towards stepmums is going the way of other moribund gender discriminations.
I must remember to be kind to myself. Within a year,I went from being a single 28-year-old to having a partner and living with her and her child. Lesbians,am I right? It’s an adjustment. My life is different than it was. Dinner time is a lot earlier,for one. I am now aware that babysitters are extremely bloody expensive. My apartment is littered with plastic trucks. I have “mum friends”. I also have an extremely cute (albeit hyper) child that I get to learn from and love. He teaches me patience,and he shows me how to enjoy very small things that I otherwise do not notice. He calls lorikeets “lollykeets”. He is emotionally honest and his capacity for love is astonishing.
The genius of split custody,of course,is that this is only my life half the time. The other half,my partner and I eat burritos in bed and forget to buy milk. We drink beers in the park. And then it’s our turn to look after this beautiful little boy again,and we stock up on sugar-free lollies.
Madeleine Gray’s debut novel,Green Dot (Allen&Unwin,$33),was published in October.
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