In one-in-five couples,respondents said the mental load was shared,but in 78 per cent of households in the sample,the mental load was “always or usually” carried by the mother. In one-third,it was “always” the mother.
Baxter said the stress of overseeing a never-ending list of mental tasks as well as work and childcare – which is more often shared between parents – takes a toll.
‘We call it the invisible,enduring and boundless problem because no one ever sees it.’
Dr Brendan Churchill,University of Melbourne sociology lecturer
“I can see the impact mostly in the data ... when you’re both working full-time it is stressful and tiring. I can see it from what parents are saying[in written answers].
“When you go to work you can’t switch off from it,you’re still having to think about taking children’s dentist appointments,birthdays,social activities,health,nutritional and education and development needs. That would be a pretty typical quote[in the surveys],” she said.
As to why this happens,she said:“I wish I had an answer.”
“From the 1950s,when we had the women at home and men as breadwinners,this was the way it was done,she was at home full-time doing all the thinking. We have mentally not moved from that.”
The highly gendered nature of the mental load was “an ongoing source of frustration” for women. Many said their male partner was willing to do more but needed to be asked or struggled with work flexibility that would allow him to share the task.
Chiropractor Diana Pakzamir,whose daughters are 10 months old and three years old,runs a business,as does her husband,and sees many full-time working mothers occupying a similar family role as her – carrying the family’s mental load.
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“It’s health appointments,getting their teeth checked,presents for a child’s birthday party,what kind of food they’re eating,how much nutrition they’re getting in,are they doing enough physical activity,” said Pakzamir.
“[How families juggle childcare] is different from years ago,and what I see with friends is he’ll do part of it,but the mental load is on you.”
“I see these amazing mums who are working and rocking businesses,they’re in a very similar position:you’re the one co-ordinating it and they[their partner] are helping.”
Brendan Churchill,a lecturer in sociology at the University of Melbourne,said his study with Professor Lyn Craig on the division of labour in dual-earner households had shown women were “really dissatisfied with the way things were divided”.
“They were generally unhappy with it,and it got worse during the pandemic.”
Longitudinal research by the pair found that while the gap between the amount of childcare done by men and women closed during the pandemic,the gap in housework and household management duties did not.
“Women continued to do more of the household management;some of those things might be perceived as the mental load and we did see that,” Churchill said.
“We call it the invisible,enduring and boundless problem because no one ever sees it.”
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Craig and Churchill also found that fathers often do “the fun tasks” with children such as exercise or play. “But they don’t see all the mental stuff behind it[family life] that never ends and involves mental load and planning. Women just keep going.”
Craig said that during years of research,behavioural change in families had occurred,and the emotional desire of fathers to participate more in practical family life had increased.
“Both men and women think more father involvement is a good thing,and men over time are being more hands-on with kids,” she said.
While the gap in childcare was closing,the gap in domestic management was not. “The gender division of labour is a sticky problem,” she said.
Sydney broadcaster and podcaster Ash London said that before she gave birth to her child,Buddy,she discussed with her husband how family work would be divided,as she was already aware that the mental load usually fell to mothers.
“We had a huge discussion before we even made the decision to have Buddy. I was very aware if[he was] given an inch,I would take too much upon myself,” said London.
“We had to get really practical,and that came down to things like the kind of labour I would and wouldn’t do around the house. The physical load is an easy one to divide and conquer – but I don’t know if it’s possible to divide the mental load.”
Gold Coast mother Amanda Goss,who works 40 to 50 hours a week running ready-made vegan meals company HerbiDoor with her husband,describes the mental load as “challenging and a bit overwhelming on some days”.
“Loving your kids and what you do does make it a bit easier,” she said,and it helps that the housework is shared.
“But there are definitely days where you’re like,‘Oh my gosh,this is just breaking me’. Especially when the kids have been sick ... and having to cancel everything and reschedule it.”
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