It would be one thing to hash this out if we were together,but we split up years ago and have equal custody. That’s increasingly common. For years,mothers were the default parent in a split,and that was considered best. Today,and not without controversy,courts in some 20 states have increasingly leaned toward shared custody,citing better outcomes for children. Yet the attitude shift,as well as more engaged fathers requesting more time,means shared custody by court order (or just personal preference) is now common.
Which means more people are making more decisions (once again) with an ex with whom decision-making wasn’t ever easy.
In my case,we both wanted a fully equal part in raising our child;and at first,decisions weren’t that difficult with a toddler. Holidays were easy to divide in half. Similar bedtimes or applying sunscreen were common sense.
But as our daughter has grown older,their needs and wants are increasingly complex. They are beginning to pull away in the process of becoming their own person,and with that comes an eagerness to make more choices for themselves,and more fraught decisions for us.
More people are making more decisions (once again) with an ex with whom decision-making wasn’t ever easy.
First came the question of a smartphone. Next,our daughter wanted to change their pronouns and dye their hair a bright,cherry red. Then there was the Apple Watch.
Many family therapists advise that identical rules in both households are crucial to a child’s stability. This means deploying the very skills that were often elusive in the first place. As many divorced people will tell you,if it were so easy to get along,you’d still be together.
It was tempting to do everything my way during my custodial weeks,because none of these choices required mutual consent legally. But that meant risking friction for our daughter during an already confusing period of life.