Jensen was in her early 30s when her friends starting welcoming offspring. With the announcement of each pending arrival,Jensen was thrown into turmoil. Spending time with her adored nephews,aged two and five,also flares up her indecision.
Carefully weighing your options isn’t a bad thing,considering how much of your life will be devoting to a little human.Getty Images
She can see the love and joy having children can bring. But then she worries about logistics,including the financial strain and the impact on her career. Timing has also been a factor,as Jensen never wanted to be a single parent and has only recently embarked on a relationship.
While Jensen is far from the only person in this boat,Dr Nicole Highet,founder and executive director of the Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE),says it’s difficult to capture statistics on how common this issue is as it’s “not generally reported”.
If you’re struggling to work out which way to go,Highet recommends talking to trusted friends and family about their own experiences. Was it as they expected? Do they feel happy with their decision? “For those who’ve had children,what have been the rewards,the sacrifices? For those who have not had children,have they come to regret this later in life and why?” Highet recommends talking to range of people at different life stages. “And benefit from their wisdom,experience and perspectives over time.”
Jensen tried that but felt that each person she spoke to simply spouted the virtues of their own decision. She found that especially true of parents. “They’re like,‘It’s the best thing you’ll ever do,and you won’t have any regrets’,” she recalls. “But it’s not as black and white as that;there are many other factors that come into it.” Some people made her feel judged for even questioning this decision at all.
Jensen’s psychologist has been her best sounding board. “Having someone who can just listen and empathise,rather than having someone who can convince you one way or the other,has been really helpful for me,” Jensen says.
Highet says exploring your feelings with a professional offers a safe environment and structured approach to help unpack your views. They can also help determine whether your perspective is impacted by,say,your own childhood experiences,and if your concerns are “warranted or accurate”.
A professional can also challenge your views and guide you towards a better understanding of your thoughts. All of that can provide “a sense of comfort that you have been considered in your approach and made the decision that was right for you at the time,” says Highet.
As the years roll on,Jensen knows that if she doesn’t come to a resolution,she may be unable to have a baby for biological reasons. (If you’re worried about how your fertility can play into possible outcomes,Highet recommends chatting to your GP).
Jensen worries that if she doesn’t have a baby,she’ll “mourn for what could have been”,but hopes that if that’s the case,fostering or adoption may be an option. For now,she’s trying to dial down the pressure she puts on herself to come to a decision,so she doesn’t get dragged down under its weight.
Highet adds that carefully weighing your options “is not a bad thing at all,considering how much of your life and your lifestyle you will be devoting to that little human”.
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